Wanted: Love, Sex and (maybe even) Magic

Times have changed. People have evolved and the more they have the less important it seems for most people to be in love. And yet why do people still insist on finding it? Even if we are all aware how elusive it can be. The other day I saw a mentally challenged (autistic) person on TV and out of the blue it hit me. Will this person ever get married? Does she even care if she doesn’t?
Compared to most ‘normal’ people, others who are afflicted with some kind of mental illness, physical incapacity, or emotional turmoil are the most who are in need of love. And yet, are they capable of loving the same way as everyone else does? On some level, they know if they love someone. They were taught what kind of feeling that is but for them it’s very simple. They care and show their affection in one way or another, and thus define it as love. No complications. No math. No rocket science. No fuzz. They say what they feel when they feel it. Whether or not it’s reciprocated, never bothered them. But for us who are considered ‘normal’, it’s as difficult to say, find, or even feel love as the proverbial needle on a haystack. We put so much pressure and thought to it that we’ve become incapable of defining what love is in its true value. We’ve become jaded. Not able to differentiate love from lust or affection from attraction. Are they luckier because they don’t understand or are we, because while we are capable of understanding, we often refuse to do so?

Throughout time, love has been defined and changed by different cultures, religion, beliefs and even science. Intrapersonal, interpersonal, platonic, physical, physiological, etc, etc and somehow with all these definitions it become more confusing. In our quest to give rhyme or reason to this feeling we end up failing to understand that love CANNOT be defined. There could only be poems written about it, movies created for it, music composed to express it and yet it remains vaguely familiar. Like a distant echo or a fleeting whisper, you know what it is but you just can’t seem to figure it out. Until it calls out to you again and again, little by little you begin to learn, you begin to understand. And even then, you still stumble from time to time.

Sex on the other hand is easier to define. It has no complications. Its two bodies intertwined, locked in a tight embrace and hopefully later rather than sooner, both reaches orgasm. And when it’s done, it’s done. You either produce something out of it or throw it away and get ready for the next. Simple, right? In the past, I’ve made the mistake of confusing sex with love or the other way around. I vowed never to make the same mistake again. It truly made me a better person, I think. Less drama in my life, less complications, less jerks to jerk around or less time to spend thinking what I’ve done wrong. By learning the ‘less’ of things, I have more.

In the whole gayness of my world, love is very difficult to find nowadays. Considering it’s a relatively small gay world we live in. The problem lies on the fact that gay guys like to share, even if the other partner doesn’t know it or want that set-up.
Every weekend or so, I usually go to my hangout in Malate. Not trying to find true love but to basically have a good time, which I fortunately have everytime I go there. Still, I couldn’t help but keep my fingers-crossed, eyes opened wide and be on the lookout. After all, one could never know when it will come. It usually catches you on your most unguarded moment and I, being the eternal vain gay that I am, would not want to be caught dead in all my un-fabulous-ness. I don’t want love to come one day and I would look like crap and he’d rather be looking elsewhere. Wouldn’t want to miss that chance now would I?

I am still very optimistic about the entire love thing. And even if I’m coming to my 2 year ‘singlehood’ anniversary, I have never given up hope. I may have had a lot of hit and miss but one day I just might hit the cherry. And by then I would probably hear bells, maybe even angels or even see fireworks. It might feel like magic. It might feel like something else. Whatever the case maybe, I’m ready to be hurt only to experience love again. So come, HURT ME! Hurt me bad --- If only to feel, if only to love once more. If only to have that ever so glorious ‘meltdown’ only to rise up and have the fantastic make-up sex after. Now who says, love, sex and yes, maybe even magic can’t all go together?


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Unfortunately, It is Very Unfortunate. (@#!?*!)

It's pretty hard to recreate the blog that I did last Monday when I lost my laptop to yet another robbery. It's amazing how more and more people are losing their souls everyday. Just to give you an update, I was actually hanging out at my regular coffee shop in Boni Ave, Bean Perk when all of a sudden out of nowhere some a-hole grabbed my laptop from right under my nose quite literally. I was in complete and utter shock. I just couldn't fathom the idea of being robbed while having coffee, a smoke and typing -- the three favorite things that I often do. It's been two days but every now and then the entire unfortunate event flashes before my eyes like a recurring nightmare. And to add insult to injury, the Area Manager there Camille Mendiolla, seemed to be hiding something. I was asking for the name of the owner to file a formal complaint but this Camille person kept saying I should the address the complaint to her. And so, I will. But if anyone of you guys know the owner of the Bean Perk Coffee Shop in Boni Avenue, do let me know so I may share my frustration on their lack of security there. Anyhooo....

It got me thinking how many soul-less demons are running around the streets of Manila. Has the effects of this economic regression really affected everyone? It's unheard of, stealing a laptop right under your nose. I've heard of cellphones, cameras, bags, jewelry, but laptop? While you're typing? At a coffee shop? Unbelievable! Nowhere is safe! While the dirty politicians remain ever so dirty, the streets of Manila are exploding with crime. When I filed to the incident to the Mandaluyong City Hall Police Station, they showed me a bunch of mug-shots. Hoping that I would identify the culprit, I looked for hours at those pictures. To my surprise some were actually working, or at least formally working as police officers. The people who were suppose to be protecting us are now doing the crime. It was then when I realized that this country was really going to the dogs. Apparently after serving the force, it was time to join the other side. The bad side. Not to mention that most of those thieves, robbers, etc, were already back on the streets doing the same thing. What an efficient justice system we have don't you think?! (For those who didn't get it, there was a hint of sarcasm there!)

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to identify the thief who stole my laptop, and oh, did I mention it was an Apple laptop. The faces lingered on my mind for a couple of hours even after I've gone home. I was thinking that while I was looking at the pictures, they all looked the same. Does all soul-less people look the same? I'm not kidding, they really looked similar. Perhaps it was their grin, their smirk, their eyes, or something --- but there was definitely something. Eerie, right?

Actually when I was doing that blog article, I was channeling a very happy emotion. How ironic right? Just when I was writing about how happy I am now, this happens. It got me into thinking if the Lord was trying to tell me something. Maybe it's His way of saying I'm forgetting and this was a way for Him to remind me. I was never religious but I was never sacrilegious and blasphemous neither; and my friends would attest to that. I respect religion, I just don't practice one. I believe in a God, I just never believed that I should go to mass to be closer to him. But yes, I do forget to pray. I'm guilty of being one of those people who calls to Him only on times of despair.

My bestfriend told me that I should break this pattern. There was something I was doing wrong to attract those negative elements to my life. And even though I found it hard to believe, a part of me wanted to. It's not easy being happy when you're bombarded with so many negative things that puts you down.

If only life were a little kinder, a little more considerate, a little more understanding, a little easier. If only we live in a perfect world, where everyone loved one another, where peace ruled mankind, where there's no rich or poor, only good and no bad.

But it isn't... and so we move on just as life often does.

Still, it feels damn shitty!

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

My Newest Banner

Long overdue to create an online portfolio. Created this banner for that purpose. Tell me what you think ok?

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Finding Leon

Another month, another hour, another moment when you see your life passes you by while all the rest moves to a slow but steady pace.

He woke up and realized that he didn’t dream. It was real after all. It went by and he didn’t even notice. He was too busy. He started making excuses to make himself feel better. There wasn’t anything left to do. It had already gone. He missed it and no matter how he thought of chasing after it, it can no longer be seen.

And so, he sat and waited for that door to open. He watched as shadows from outside moved about. He heard voices, undecipherable murmurs of people talking but still he did not stand up. He continued to watch the shadows moving and imagined them dancing. He pretended there was music and he began singing. No one could hear him so he sang louder. He sang until there wasn’t anything else to sing. It was 2 o’clock in the morning and he had forgotten about it. He sang because there was no one. He sang because he preferred that over crying. It didn’t come. Perhaps it had forgotten about him too.

He gazed outside and watched as the sun was rising. It felt warm and it reminded him of how that same warmth was what he yearned for. He wanted to say the words but the words didn’t come. He ran outside and chased the sunlight forgetting his sandals. He ran barefoot and felt that the grass was still wet from the rain the previous night. He ran in circles enjoying the cold morning and the warm sun hitting his face. He was happy – happier but he wanted more. He wanted to share his happiness to another; that one person to make the entire wait seem worth it. The one person to say it was alright to be himself. He was loved anyway.


He wanted to find him and say "Hi!"


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Updates on VCon09

I've been so darn busy these past few days that I have not been able to update any of my social networking sites properly.

FACEBOOK = Trying to upload pictures but for some FREAKIN' reason, I could not! Shoutout works though. UHUH!

Friendster = Haven't uploaded or done anything on this for about 6 months already. Passe` much! HAHAHA!

Multiply = Also couldn't upload photos which I took from our event. Over 2500 of them as of today.

Twitter = Hmmm...

Well, I'll post something soon.

Good thing about me being here though. FANS, lotsa fans! HAHAHA!

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Yosi, Wine at Mata sa Bintana.

***Isang liham sa may akda.***
**Note: PG recommended. LOL!

Hindi ko lubusang maisip kung baket napakatindi ng kamandag ng kanyang petchay. Parang tila may nakabalot na misteryo ito at lahat ng nakakatikim ay sadyang nahuhumaling.

Eto ang kwento ng kung paano ang isang ordinaryong gabi na sa ‘di inaakalang pangyayari binago ang aking buhay bakla.

Ako ay isang bakla. Bata pa lamang ako ay napapansin na ng aking mga kamag-anak, kapit-bahay, at ibang pang taong nakakasalamuha ang aking kakaibang kilos. Malamya daw ako para sa isang batang lalaki. Mahinhin daw at mahilig makipaglaro sa mga babae. Noon, sa aking buong pagaakala wala akong ginagawang masama. Eh ano ngayon kung mahilig akong makipaglaro sa mga babae. Eh ano kung mas magaling ako sa volleyball kaysa sa basketball. Eh ano kung ang paborito naming laro ay 10-20, Chinese garter, limbo rock, si Nena (ayy bata pa… kaya’t ang sabi nya uhmmm-ahhh-uhhhmmm-ahh-ahh!) at shake-shake-shampoo. Para sa akin wala akong ginagawang masama. Naglalaro lang. Walang malisya.

Pero di naglaon at sa aking pagtanda unti-unting nagbago ang aking pananaw sa aking noon pa ma’y kaduda-dudang ng pagkalalaki. Habang unti-unti kong natutuhan ang mga kamunduhan ng laman doon ko din napagtanto na ako nga ay isang binabae. Ngunit kailanman hindi ko ninais na maging babae. Nagkakagusto, umiibig, at nalilibugan lang ako sa kapwa lalaki. Yun lang.

Matagal-tagal na din akong umamin sa aking mga magulang sa aking piniling daan at sa kabutihang palad, tanggap naman nila ako. Pero sa kasukdulan ng aking kabaklaan may mga ilang paninindigan pa din akong sinusunod.
1. Huwag na huwag magbabayad ng lalaki para sa libog lamang
2. Huwag umibig sa tunay na lalaki
3. Huwag ng umasa na magkakaroon ng teknolohiya baling araw para gawin tayong mga bakla na tunay na babae --- matres at kung ano-ano pa.
4. Ipaglaban ang karapatang kabadingan --- di naman ako aktibista, di lang nagpapaabuso.

At madami pang iba. Nakakatamad na lamang ilista.

Pero sa mga alituntunin kong ito may isa pa aking hindi nagagwa… pumasok sa isang “gay bar” (hindi club), manood ng mga lalaking hubad na nagsasayaw at manood ng torohan kung meron man. Ngunit sa gabing iyon naranasan ko ang pangyayaring nagpabago ng aking buhay.

-0-

Para siyang kuneho kung umariba. Buong akala ko ay magigiba ang kama. Pinapanood ko lamang sila sa bintana habang nagyoyosi, umiinom ng wine at may kausap sa telepono doon sa may veranda.

Parang mga hayup. Dumadagungdong na parang kinakatay na baboy ang kanilang mga halinghing. Kung makapagsasalita lamang ang mga ding-ding, pader at muwebles ng kanyang maliit na apartment marahil maloloka ka din sa mga ikukuwento nito. Kung ano-anong kahalayan. Ibang klase.

Nakakalat ang kanilang mga saplot. Isang oras. Walang tigil ang sarap. Walang humpay ang pagnanasang magiba ang kama. Iba-Ibang pwesto. Parang pa-sirko-sirko. Para akong nanonood ng perya. Minsan asa itaas ang paa, minsan asa sahig ang ulo. Palakas ng palakas ang mga hiyaw. Ibang klase. Kakaonti na lang at muntik na akong sumugod sa loob para makatikim.

Matapos ang palabas parang walang nangyaro. Balik lahat sa dati. Balik inuman. Balik kwentuhan. Casual lang.

“Ang laki-laki!”
“Halika! Hawakan mo.”
“Ayaw ko nga!!!”
“Dali na, ok lang yan sa kanya.”

Kinuha niya ang aking kamay at pinahawak. “Hindi pa man ito galit, wika nya.” Sabay isang malakas na sigaw.

Umuwi akong tulala. Hindi pa din makapaniwala. Binago nila ang buhay ko. Ibang klase.

Disclaimer: Story is purely fictional ---- OR IS IT?! =D
Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Loneliness

It’s been a long time. A really, really long time since I’ve felt that jolt of excitement upon meeting that single person whom you know will change your life. And no matter how hard you try to mask the loneliness that envelopes your being, it does show.

Yes, I feel lonely.

For about three years now, I’ve been into places that most people cannot even pronounce. I’ve met people whose names seem peculiar and to a certain extent even laughable. I’ve worked my ass off for a company that I love primarily because of my bosses and some people whom I genuinely want to help. I’ve done so many things, bought so many material wants, and played (errr, not at my proudest moment) with feelings of emotions and love.

And yes, I still feel lonely.

Not many would and can own up to the fact that you are lonely. Most would just pretend. And others simply ignore their loneliness and/or drown themselves into nonsense activities to fill the void that they are truly feeling. While very few called “the lucky ones” feel perfectly content. But not to be misled, at some point in their lives they too felt lonely. But when fate turned and smiled on them, they felt lonely no more. Like I said, lucky.

Recently, I’ve been meeting a lot of interesting guys -- the point of interest being that they’re in a relationship for years with their partner. And the best part is they find me interesting too. Am I destined to such relationships? Meeting people who are committed and I, as you may have already guessed become the… “If only.”

If only we met earlier.
If only I met you 6, 5, 3 years earlier.
If only I wasn’t committed… (I’d be with you!)
If only I were single.
If only I didn’t love my partner so much.
If only I weren’t in a rocky relationship that I’m still fighting to work out.
If only you’re willing to be my Number 2.

That’s the thing, I don’t feel and deserve like being number 2. I still believe I’m destined to be someone’s number 1 – wanted to say THE ONLY ONE but that seems asking for too much nowadays. It’s unfair to be even asked of such, don’t you think? To be the panakip-butas because there’s something you (I) could give that the other person either can’t or won’t.

-0-
I remember the time when he used to sing me love songs.
When we talked all night and laughed on stories of life.
I remember the time when he couldn’t wait to see me,
when he couldn’t even bare to leave because I mattered.
I remember when we used to talk about forever.
When goodnight meant more than it did,
But I love you.
When good morning meant,
Thank you
For being part of my life.
-0-

In case you failed to notice, I am lonely but not entirely unhappy. I just want to share a life, my life with someone other than friends and family. It’s different, I’m sure you know, when somebody cares, somebody who gives a damn.

It’s been a really long time. I’ve nearly forgotten. If only there were someone to remind me, someone who remembers that I like most people simply wants to feel important. Someone you will take the mask off for not because he wants to but because he deserves to see the real you…

Happy.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo